What We Really Want
by OnTheOutsideLookingIn
Summary: SS, will evolve in RM. Develops Katie and Marissa's relationship a lot more and brings in a new guy. Please see inside for better summary. Read and Review, flames or not.


A/N: This is going to focus a lot more on Marissa's relationship with her little sister Katie, which I know is nonexistent on the show. It's taking place five years in the future, when the Fantastic Four have graduated from college (I don't know how old they really are but since they could drive last year, I figured that they were seniors this year). Seth and Summer have dated steadily ever since Marissa shot Trey, but Ryan and Marissa went their own ways. That's about to change, though…

Disclaimer: I don't own The O.C., or the brilliant writing of the writers, or the brilliant acting of Ben, Adam, Rachel, and Mischa… okay this is getting depressing, so let's get on with it here… Oh, and by the way, I don't own the quotes that I use in this chapter or any others… it's Emily Dickinson's through and through…

Chapter One: Not Even I Know My Heart

_The heart asks pleasure first,_

_And then, excuse from pain;_

_And then, those little anodynes_

_That deaden suffering;_

_And then, to go to sleep;_

_And then, if it should be_

_The will of its Inquisitor,_

_The liberty to die._

"Hey, Marissa, what are you reading?" He asked, snuggling up to her in the back of the cab.

"Well, I was reading Emily Dickinson until you interrupted me," she commented, sticking her nose up in the air, pretending to be irritated as she slipped the small collection of poetry into her purse. When she saw him laughing, the smile on her lips broke out.

"Thank you so much for coming with me to pick up Katie, Zach. It means a lot to me, especially knowing that my mom and dad won't be greeting her there."

"Oh, you know me, I'm always eager to meet a member of your family that _isn't_ demanding that we do this and this and that at our wedding."

"Well, I can see how you would say that. I'm so glad that Kat will be here to take part in the ceremony. I was actually getting worried for awhile that Julie might keep her held up at her boarding school until we had no choice but to go through with everything without her. I'm just concerned that Julie or Kat of them will make a scene at the wedding…" Marissa bit her lip and twisted her engagement ring around on her finger, a nervous habit that she'd picked up.

"Look, if your sister's anywhere near as great as you've made her out to be, than she would keep herself at bay through Hitler trying to run your wedding. It's going to be fine, okay?"

"Okay," she whispered, smiling as his arm squeezed her left shoulder. He didn't see that her smile was tinged with a sad, nervous expression, and she wiped it off her face before she turned to face him.

"So have you thought anymore about who you want to ask to be your groomsmen? I mean, I know that we decided to have a small ceremony, so I only picked Summer as my maid of honor and Kat as my bridesmaid, but that still has you coming up short of two people." He groaned and ran a hand over his face.

"Honestly Mar, why can't I just ask your dad and my dad?" he had an almost pleading look in his eyes, and she shook her head at him.

"Well, let's see… my dad has to give me away, and if I remember right, when we broke the news of our engagement to your father he called me the whore bride of the century in front of both of our families. Sorry for being controlling, but I don't think that having your father in the actual wedding party is going to be the key ingredient to a successful, smooth wedding. It's awkward enough that you used to date Summer, and you two are actually friends!"

"I know, I know, I know. I just want this all to be over. I mean, our honeymoon is going to be ten times better than this… think of it! The waves rolling in gently, the tropical flowers giving off sweet scents, and you and me alone in a quaint little bungalow in Hawaii for six days…"

"You can't honestly expect me to go on a honeymoon with you without getting married first, do you?" she inquired playfully, kissing his ear.

"I would never be so bold… we would elope to Vegas first. It would be fun! I mean, just picture it; the two of us standing in front of some random cornball, speaking our vows and just running through the place, gambling away every last penny to our name!" Marissa laughed lightly until she saw his face.

"You're not joking. You want me to run off to Vegas and have my first and what I certainly hope is my last wedding in some sleazy chapel before flying to Hawaii and acting like a coward, running away with my tail between my legs? I can't believe that you would suggest that!"

"It's just that we both know how difficult this wedding has been, and with the added stress of trying to get everyone to keep from biting each other's heads off, I don't see why we could just do it quietly. I don't mean that we have to do it in Vegas; we could do it in the justice of the peace's office right here in Newport, for goodness' sake! I just… I want to be married to you, Mar, but I don't want your family and my family there to ruin the whole thing."

"Look, Zach, I know that this is hard for you. I would be lying if I said that I though that it was going to be easy. It's just… Katie and I have grown so much closer over the past few years… I mean, she's going to be going to college soon all the way in France just to get away from Julie, and she's going to try to struggle through the whole four years paying for it by herself just so that she can say that Julie Cooper didn't get the better of her. There are so many things that the two of us won't be able to celebrate together; I mean I won't even be there on her twenty-first birthday! It would just really mean a lot to me to have my sister there at my wedding."

He blew out a long stream of air, and sighing, he turned to her. "Look, Mar, I love you. I will do this if it's what you really want. I just… I wish that we weren't waiting three more months to do this. It's not like we have to make a big deal out of it; we'll still be living in the same place and sharing the bills, only now your last name won't be Cooper anymore. Plus, it's going to be a real downer on our relationship to have your kid sister living with us this summer."

"Listen, I know my sister, and she'll be the soul of discretion. Just trust me, okay?" After a moment of looking into her eyes, Zach slowly nodded his head.

"Okay, you two, we're here," said the cab driver, and they paid him before getting out.

As soon as they found the gate, Marissa sat down and started reading a magazine, looking up every few minutes to check the time until the plane's expected arrival, trying to conceal her excitement. As soon as people started filing into the gate, she jumped up, searching for her sister's face. A young woman with light brown hair cut about to her shoulders and bright blue eyes and a small, delicate nose that were exact replicas of Marissa's stepped off. She was slightly curvier than Marissa, favoring her mother, but even strangers could've been able to see they were sisters.

"Kat, you're here!" Marissa squealed, running towards her.

"Sparkle!" Katie replied, running towards her and shouting out the nickname she'd christened her with after seeing Summer's Princess Sparkle. The backpack on her shoulders thumped lightly as she jogged towards her big sister. The two hugged tightly, both talking a mile a minute: about the flight, about how ecstatic they both were to have three months to spend with each other, and about everything in between. Zach stood back, trying to give the two of them the privacy the moment called for; however, he grew impatient after a few moments and cleared his throat. Katie stepped over to him, holding out her hand.

"You must be that guy that somehow managed to get away with stealing my big sister's heart," she decided, shaking his hand firmly.

"I'll plead guilty to that crime if no other." Katie offered up a tight-lipped smile at the comment. For a moment, the three of them stood around in an awkward silence.

"Oh, we have to go get your bags," Marissa suddenly remembered, and they laughed as they made their way down to the boarding area. The awkward silence still remained in the baggage claim area. Once in the cab, though, the two chatted amiably, Zach making sarcastic comments and bad jokes at plenty of junctions. When they finally got home, Zack excused himself, saying that he needed to get back to work. Silence hung in the air between the two sisters for a moment before Marissa broke it.

"Kat, what was that about? I've never seen you so cold around anyone." There was hurt in Marissa's eyes, and her sister crossed her arms, pacing back and forth.

"This guy is bad news, Marissa. Don't ask me how I know, but I do. It's just… I really don't want to see you hurt again, the way that you were way back when with Ry…"

"Please let's not talk about him right now," Marissa interrupted quickly, turning her head.

"When are you going to talk about him? He was your first real love, okay? I know that I of all people wouldn't know much about love; I've been in a freaking all girl's boarding school for the past six years. I know you, though, and I _know_ that you still wake up sometimes in the night thinking about him, and you go downstairs and sit out on the porch and cry so Zach won't hear you, and you call me. I know that when you read the poetry you were never interested in before you could relate to it and when you sing the songs that you remember because you made the memories with _him_, you pretend for a second that it's him that you're really with and not Zach. You know what kills me? That guy is such a sleaze-bucket! He couldn't care less about anything that you want; the only thing that he thinks about is what he wants! When did you start settling, Sparkle?"

Marissa turned around, her face in her hands. "I don't know," she whispered quietly, her shoulders shaking. "I really don't know. I just… I can't be alone anymore," she said, gasping for air between the sobs racking her body. Katie walked over to her quickly, putting her arm around her shoulder.

"Oh, Sparkle… I'm sorry. Of course you shouldn't be alone. I shouldn't have brought it up. I always stick my foot in my mouth, you know."

"No, it's okay… somebody needed to bring him up. I needed someone to bring up Zach, too. I just… Summer pretty much steers clear of Zach in particular, even though she's happy that I'm finally with someone. She doesn't think that he's good enough for me, either, but she still thinks that he's a good guy. Julie's happy that I'm getting married to someone who doesn't have an address in the numbered streets, and dad just wants me to be happy… but more and more lately, I just can't seem to stop thinking about _him_. Why can't I stop thinking about him, Kat? Why doesn't anyone else ever talk about him when they're around me?"

"Hun, it's been five years. Nobody wants to make you uncomfortable; they figure that you two have both moved on and that some things are better left unsaid. I mean, when you two decided to break up because you didn't think that you had the strength left to do it, everyone was talking about it. The Newpsies were yakking their heads off, and for once Julie Cooper was actually trying to do damage control. It was a bad time for everyone involved, and no one wants to revisit it, least of all the Cohens."

"They still keep in touch with him, though. He comes home for Christmas and Easter and once in awhile he visits during the summer… but no one ever tells me, thinks that I might just want to see him! I _know_ that he wouldn't want to see me, but it would just be nice to get some closure, you know?" Marissa was still sniffling, and her eyes were puffy and fully of tears.

"Of course you want closure; you need it. You might not get the chance to seem him again before the wedding, though. Are you sure that you'll be okay with getting married if you don't get a chance to? Will you be able to get closure some other way?" Katie asked, staring with a concerned face at her sister.

"I don't know anymore, Kat. I really, truly don't know," she surrendered, heaving a sigh. The two sisters sat with their arms around each other for a good twenty minutes before Marissa stood up and showed Katie her room, the two of them making small talk as they went. Katie plopped down on the bed, motioning for Marissa to sit beside her.

"So mom and dad are really together? I mean, not like an all-for-appearances pretending-to-like-each-other-but-hating-each-other job?"

"Yeah, they're really together. It kind of freaked me out too for the first couple of years. I mean, I would come home and they'd be making out on the sofa… it gave me the willies. They seemed happy, though, and I guess that I can see how dad would fall for mom again. I mean, Ryan fell for me once upon a time ago…"

"Hey, you are _nothing_ like mom, okay? This wedding is going to be real, and whether or not anyone else thinks that it's a good match, you're going to follow your heart."

"I just wish I knew what that meant," Marissa muttered, standing up and going to the window for a moment.

"Well, I better get downstairs to cook dinner. The chicken needs at least a good forty minutes to an hour, and I want to get a head start on the pasta and vegetable dish…"

"Wait, Marissa Cooper is actually cooking? The last time we talked when you'd just started dating that guy last year at summer break, you couldn't even manage to make a TV dinner sirloin steak in the stove without the smoke detector going off!"

"Yeah, well, Zach really doesn't have a taste for take-out, so I learned," she replied with a shrug, exiting the room. Katie sat on the bed, a frown furrowing her brow.

"Zach, meet your would-be sister-in-law. You're going down, buddy; big time."

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"Wow, long time no see, man," Ryan said, drawing the young man beside him into a firm hug.

"Yeah, it has been awhile. I mean, you have no idea how many times I picked up the phone to call you when my parents started going at it and my sister started doing a couple lines, but I didn't want to get them in trouble anymore than they'd already been in. Besides, you still let me crash in my old bedroom every once in awhile and that tided me over," he answered, giving a half grin.

"I understand completely. Come on, though. You brought your suitcase packed, right?"

"Yeah, I did… why are you being so mysterious about this? I mean, I honestly don't get it."

"Well, buddy, I guess I owe you an explanation. You know that for my last two years of high school, a family called the Cohens took me in. They were really my salvation in a lot of ways I guess you could say… Sandy and Kirsten eventually became like a mom and dad to me. I still remember the first time that they told me that they loved me exactly like a son… that's one of my main memories of high school. Seth was like a brother to me, too. We've all kept in touch, and I usually at least go there for Christmas each year. We never got a chance to go because your family got back custody in November. I was planning on taking you there to meet them… I though it would do you good to see different types of people."

"Wow, Ryan, I've never heard you say that much. I mean, I always figured that they were the reason that you decided to become a foster parent when you were only halfway through college, but I never would've guessed there was all that to it, though. I guess the next question at hand, though, is what this all has to do with me."

"Well, Mr. Cohen, or Sandy as pretty much everyone calls him, is a lawyer. He was a public defender for years before joining a practice and then starting one of his own. He really has a way with people, and he was my public defender… got me a pretty good deal after the car stealing incident. That's when I first met him. I guess that I figured I could take you with me this summer; that you could ask him some questions and get to see how the other half lives, so to speak. I mean, I'm pretty well off, but my career hasn't really had enough time to take off yet, so I'm not exactly as high-profile as some of the Newport people. So, what do you say? Are you up for it?" For a moment, he was speechless, but he finally answered him.

"Well, Ryan, I'd say that it's time for Newport to get the great shock of Ryan Atwood and Landon Parker, especially seeing that they've only experience fifty percent of that before." The two of them exchanged grins and made their way to the car.

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"Oh my gosh Sparkle, this is like the best breakfast ever! It's so nice to be back in Newport, but it's even better to have omelets, bacon, and bagels waiting for me."

"Why thank you, m'lady," she answered jokingly.

"I hardly even know what to do with myself today, though. I mean, it's been so long since I've been here… I don't even know where to start."

"Well, if you're up for suggestions, I'd say that pretty much the best thing to do would be to go to the pier and get a balboa bar, and then see where the day takes you."

"That sounds like a good idea. Call me when Summer comes over so that the two of us can catch up, and if you need any help with the wedding or with housecleaning or anything…"

"Hey, just having you here is more than enough. However, I'll remember that in case I feel like being lazy for the day." The two sisters laughed before Katie left to get dressed and get ready for the day.

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"This is it," Ryan said, motioning to the house in front of them.

"Wow," was all that Landon could manage to say.

"You get used to it. It's strange but you get used to it after awhile…" Ryan's voice drifted off, and they saw the door opening.

"Hey, Ryan, bro, how are you? Is this your charge? The Robin to your Batman and my Superman? Dude, you're looking just as broody as ever!" Seth exclaimed, hopping down the steps and sharing a hug with Ryan and a handshake with Landon.

"I'm Seth by the way. You know, it's amazing because you actually even sort of look like Ryan… not so much in physical traits, I mean, but more or less just your overall demeanor… that incredibly intimidating way that you just _look_ at someone that most people would view as broody, but really is basically wrought from your shyness and inability to put more than seven-word sentences together…" Seth rambled, and Landon shook his head.

"I'm… really not that shy. I'm just kind of blown away by this house. I mean, it's like really, really nice, man."

"Well, you know… the poolhouse is ever-so-much more fun, and with the exception of when Ryan's home we never ever get to be in there, so it would be fun if we could go and play a couple rounds of whatever on the Xbox," Seth said, his eyes pleading.

"Okay, I'll just go and talk to Kirsten and Sandy for awhile. Landon, I trust that you'll have a fun time with Seth."

"Believe me, there definitely won't be a lack of conversation," Landon said, laughing despite all efforts.

"I like this kid. He's like me, except he's like you… Oh wow. It's like a scientist gave him just the right amounts of you and created the perfect guy. It's incredible. It's amazing. It's… wow." Ryan shook his head and smiled, making his way inside.

"Ryan, you're back!" Kirsten walked up to him and gave him a hug. "You look terrific. A little skinnier than last time, but I trust that your putting all of my take-out ordering lessons to use and satisfying your hunger," she said, smiling at him.

"Yeah, I'm good. Landon is out in the poolhouse playing video games with Seth… what else is new? It's like Seth's initiation for all of his friends," Ryan said, grinning.

"Very true, son," Sandy commented, smiling and walking into the room. The two men hugged and Sandy stepped back, nodding his approval. "You've done well for yourself, kid, just like we always knew you would."

"So what's new with everyone? How's… how's Marissa?" Ryan inquired cautiously, hating that it hurt him so much to say her name. Sandy's eyes clouded with understanding and something else unnamable.

"Oh, she's doing well. She went through a real dark time, and Julie actually threw the poor kid into the same treatment facility that Kirsten went to. In a way, I think it helped her. She's more grown-up now; she's almost always listening to music or sticking her nose in a book, and she's an interior designer."

"What's up? You two are looking at me like there's something wrong…"

"Honey," Kirsten spoke up, "Marissa's engaged to Zach, Summer's old boyfriend. We talked to Seth and the three of us decided that it was best if Sandy and I broke the news to you… we've all been invited to her wedding. It's at the end of this summer… we understand if you can't go, but I think that it would be good for you."

Ryan nodded his head. "I'm sorry, but I've got a lot of things to do…" he said, all of them knowing that he had nothing to do. "Thanks again for letting us stay here, and I'll talk to you about… this… again tomorrow." Ryan walked out of the house and walked into the poolhouse.

"Dude, what's wrong?" Seth asked as soon as Ryan walked in, fiddling with the controller nervously.

"Why didn't… why didn't you ever both to tell me that Marissa was getting married, and to Zach of all people?" Ryan clenched and unclenched his jaw, sitting down on the bed.

"Well, um, see, funny thing about Zach… I've hated the guy's guts since he tried to get Summer back together with him, and I still hate the guy's guts because now he's taken Marissa. I really, really just am still in denial about the whole thing, and I think that it would be better if things stayed that way until I am forced to accept it. I mean, back in high school it was almost understandable, but the guy stealing another woman who has been hurt by a guy in my circle of trust so to speak… that's just stepping across the line." Seth knew that he was babbling, but he had no idea how Ryan was going to react to this.

"Oh. I guess that I shouldn't go then, huh?" Ryan questioned, not sure what to do.

"Maybe… I'm not sure. I don't think that it would be a good idea to attack the groom… and I have a feeling that's exactly what we'd end up doing if we went," Seth answered, and Ryan nodded. He sat down next to Landon, and Seth plugged in an extra remote he'd gotten so that the three of them could play together.

"Shouldn't we be waiting until night to play?" Ryan finally asked, his curiosity getting the better of him.

"Man, you're back in Newport. Things aren't meant to be left in their normal routine around here. Now focus. You just killed yourself _again_."

A/N: Wow, that's probably the longest chapter I've ever written for a fanfic. Please review, and suggestions are welcomed. Sorry for the bad ending, but I couldn't think of a good way to end things. The idea of a Zach/Marissa pairing that made them terribly mismatched just popped into my head, and I liked the idea. I really don't like Zach, so please don't be surprised if he seems like the "Caleb" of this story.


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